I haven’t had an evening alone in nearly a week.  I’m starting to go nuts due to personality overload….I just need some down time.  And in the midst of all this medical drama, I’ve totally dropped off the path of getting myself healthy & happier.

So…this past Wednesday I joined Weight Watchers online.  Today I ordered the Walk Away the Pounds DVD’s that I had but lost somehow.  I am not giving myself any excuses to fail at this.  I am tired of  looking like this, tired of feeling like this…I just have to give myself permission to make myself a priority in my life & actually stick to it.  Easier said than done, but I’m working on it.

Today I’m logging all my food & drink.  I think I’m going to focus on getting myself eating on plan til I get the DVDs & then I’ll add in the workout.  Baby steps….

At Baby J’s party I was introduced to a number of people I’ve never met before and I was really touched when Baby J’s Grandma (the girls & I call her Aunt & her hubby Uncle cause we’re together alot & we are very close) introduced me as her niece….as often as I tend to adopt people, I’m not used to other people adopting me like that…warm & fuzzy moment!

After dropping the girls off at Auntie’s, I returned to the site of the baby’s party, as we had already planned a more adult party to follow the family party with all the kids.  There was a huge bonfire planned as well as drinking….I had already made plans to stay the night, but then realized last minute if I stayed out overnight my pup would definately leave something for me to clean up in the morning…so my plans changed to hanging for a while & then heading home, no drinking for me…that’s fine I’m not a huge drinker anyway…my friend R started up the bonfire & the few of us who were left sat fireside and chatted for a while.  By 10:30 it was R, his bro in law J, and me…..and since we’d already decided sex, politics & racism were off limit topics, a conversation on religion began.  It started with J having questions for me about Paganism….he & R both being Baptist.  I mentioned a few things about Christian-based religions that I didn’t understand and R began breaking things down in a way no one has ever been able to do for me before.  I realized through this conversation that there are a number of concepts that we share, just having different names for them.  He was able to explain things to me that no one had been able to do before.  By about midnight I’d decided that cracking open my Bible again might be a good idea.  I haven’t touched it since I was 15 except to move it with me whenever I moved.  By 1 AM I was trying to figure out exactly what parts of my current practices are in opposition to what was being explained to me.  By the time I left at 230 AM we’d decided that we were going to start a casual read & discuss thing about the Bible…R was feeling pulled to re-read it and I am curious enough to attempt to read it for the first time since I was a teen ager.  As I started the car a song was beginning on the radio… “I found God on the corner of 1st & Amistad….”  Really?  Interesting timing at the very least I think…..Am I converting?  Not at this point.  But I am curious.  And willing to learn about another view point.

I got home shortly before 3 AM…I was so tired I felt as if I had been drinking, so I went slow & easy and I’m very happy I live so close to where we were.  My brain felt as if I’d over-stuffed it with too many new concepts.  I don’t even remember falling asleep, I was so tired.  When my alarm went off this morning at 930, I stumbled around fixing my breakfast before my kids got home.  Auntie mentioned to me that I looked tired…I said got to sleep around 3 & had that kind of conversation last night that makes your head feel like an over-ripe melon for days after….I’m still kind of shell shocked….she smiled & went on her way to church.

I’m honestly not sure why I’m blogging about this, other than this is supposed to be about my journey over this year or so….and this was an Event.  I’m not sure where this is going to lead.  I know what I believe in, what fits right in my life.  Is it possible that the reason some other Path didn’t feel right was because of misconceptions I’ve held for years?  I don’t know.  So I’m going to try and learn a little…no knowledge is ever wasted.  And we’ll see where this goes.  First get together is Monday night for dinner, reading & chatting….at the very least I’ll be spending time with people I care about, learning about something that is important to them.  At the most, maybe my mind will be a little more open to other Paths….time will tell…

Also, yesterday my lil adopted nephew J turned a year old.  J was born at 24 weeks gestation and was in the NICU for a bit over 4 months before he was able to come home.  This lil guy is such a fighter though!  For a while, no one was sure if we’d ever see him out of the hospital because of all the medical issues caused by his extremely premature birth….but he’s amazingly healthy now & doing so good!  It blows my mind when I think about just how heartbreakingly tiny he was the first time I saw him and how big he is now.  Every child is a miracle, but lil J definately beat every single bit of the odds stacked against him.

Realizing two of the special kids in my life are having birthdays this week has made me a little introspective.  I’ve been taking the time over the last day or so to really sit and count my blessings.  Sometimes, when it seems like everything is just royally screwed up I’ll do the same thing and it never fails to help me see just how lucky I am.  I am so very thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life, for the security of my home, for my children’s health and my own health….yes things can get stressful sometimes but when it comes down to it, life really is amazingly good.

I still am amazed that my kids are as old as they are…it kind of smacks me in the face to realize I’m not actually still 20 years old, even though I still think like I’m 20 sometimes lol….time really does fly…but it’s a good thing.

Count your blessings folks.  Tell the important people in your life that you love them.  Take 2 seconds to compliment a stranger….give someone a reason to smile for no reason….cause it really is a beautiful world out there if we just take the time to recognize it.

Get older daughter A up, bathed & dressed and fed both girls breakfast…turned on the TV to check what had taped while I was watching DVDs with my pals last night….and there is a message saying it was going to take hours to check the harddrive…that it was 32% done and there were over 5000 errors detected so far…wow….really??  It’s just barely 6 am here and this is what I see…and I know L, when she’s sick all she wants to do is snuggle with me on the couch and watch TV…great!

So I spent the next 4.5 hours either on the phone with the TV people or switching satalite boxes around…fun, fun, fun!  Luckily, L was very patient and seemed to get a kick out of watching Mommy fight with the stupid boxes from Hades.  End result, I have a new box coming from the company, but watchable TV in both the livingroom & my bedroom, so everything is ok for now….

I finally got a shower…HOURS after waking up….I hate that feeling….things are settling down, so I guess I’m off to snuggle a fevered lil one for a bit….but I’m still very frustrated about how my day started, so far off from what I had planned (getting back on my workout thing…though I guess the multiple trips up & down the stairs & lugging the boxes from room to room might count for something)….I just hope that the rest of the day is better than the start was…

I have realized that if I’m going to be serious about this, I have to really focus myself.  I never kicked off following the eating plan I described here.  I was doing ok with the activity level increasing but the food is my downfall and I know it.  So….I checked out the pricing and the food available and next week I’ll be ordering Nutrasystem and setting myself up for auto-delivery.  I’ve even planned out the payment schedule & added it into my monthly budget all the way through December 2011, so I know money won’t be the thing that screws me up with this.  That way I have absolutely NO EXCUSES for not eating better.  And I am getting back to the workouts tomorrow morning.  I woke up today with a new cold so I’m going to nurse it a bit today hoping it’ll hit fast and be gone.

I am frustrated and dissappointed in myself that I didn’t stick with my plan better from the start.  However, unlike every other time I’ve attempted to lose weight, this time I realize that every day I wake up is another day I can make a better choice and get back on the plan.  Just because I goofed it doesn’t mean I can’t do it.  So tomorrow (barring this cold settling in and kicking my tush) kicks off my rededication to myself.

Where we are in NC we’re basically going to get some rain & winds but that’s it.  We are inland enough that I don’t have to worry about flooding or anything really crazy…but the idea of my mom & grandma in a car heading into the storm zone just bothers me.  So, I tried to call Mom at home last night.  Got my stepdad, V, found out that because of the storm they’d already left, a day ahead of schedule, so they’d arrive here before the storm was really due to hit.  Great!  However, V isn’t capable of just having a 5 minute conversation and letting it go…so I was on the phone with him for about 2 hours and the only reason it was ONLY 2 hours was because my cell battery died.  Then I called Mom’s cell & left a voicemail updating her with the info I saw on the local news.

Today is housecleaning day!  Got to make sure everything looks good before Mom gets here…she doesn’t care but I do.  I’m having trouble sleeping at night for some reason, so I did go back to sleep after the girls were off to school (and I did my workout) to catch a few extra zzz’s before I started cleaning.  Got a call from Grandma about 3 minutes before my alarm was due to go off….they are back on the road, having stopped in VA last night, and about 4 hours from arrival.  I’m very excited to see them, not so excited about the housework though….not that I’m a slob or anything but I’m really not a clean-freak.  Whatever though, I’m going to sign off here and get to it!

On the up side, I haven’t gained anything, I’ve somehow managed to maintain even though the only thing I’ve wanted to eat for the last couple days was ice cream and Spaghetti-O’s….so, tomorrow morning I’m going to get back on track and actually kick off my eating plan and get back to working out.  We’ll see what I can accomplish in the couple of days left before my weekly weigh-in.

Yesterday was amazing!  We all got our respective tattoos or piercings done and the guy who did it all was really cool.  He was hitting on me like crazy and for once I actually noticed I was being flirted with…then again he really wasn’t all that subtle about it.  Did my ego good to have someone interested, and he seems like a decent guy, but I really do just want to focus on myself for the next year, so it was nice, but that’s all it’s going to be.  Although I will say, when I’m ready for my next tattoo, I’m going back to his shop for sure!

So I’m off to pick up my younger daughter from kindergarten…can’t wait til she starts full days with her big sis next week cause this one home at noon thing is just killing my day…and then I’m going to curl up on the couch & be sick….I hope I’m better by tomorrow night though…my friends who stayed with my girls yesterday asked me to watch their son, my “nephew” lil J, so they could get tattoos of his name & footprints so I’d really like to return the favor, but I also really don’t want to get the baby sick….he was born at 24 weeks and had so many health problems I’d hate for him to get sick because of me….we’ll see how that goes….

So I’m going to do the workout anyway.  My legs are a little achey, kind of like when you get a charlie horse in your sleep and you can still feel it a bit for the whole next day….but I want to do the workout.  Then I will shower & dress….and probably curl up and rest til it’s time to head out for my plans with my friends.  Sniffles or not, I’m getting my new tattoo….and if I’m good enough to get a tattoo, I’m good enough to workout.  Man, I sound like my mom….if you’re well enough to go play, you’re well enough to go to school….lol.  Maybe the endorphone rush will kick in like yesterday and help me feel better!